Sometimes God does things to show you you’ve made the right decision even though you were scared/not sure about said decision. I got an email last night about an amazing opportunity that I pray works out for me. However, before that email arrived, I did something even more monumental for myself and my growth — I let go of someone who was not good for me anymore.
I finally released myself from the grasp of someone who doesn’t love me — at least, not like I love them. Me and this guy have been on an emotional rollercoaster for the past 8 months, and the continuous denial of the reality of the situation had gone on for far too long.
So I cut my losses.
This post isn’t about him though. It isn’t about anything he did or did not do because my life can no longer revolve around that aspect of this situation. No, this post is about me and my role in prolonging a bad scenario. I have no desire to place blame on him. I see a lot of women do that, sometimes undeservingly, in blogs like these. That’s not my aim. At all.
We broke up because we weren’t on the same page regarding the pace of the relationship. I wanted something long-term and he wanted to see where things went. He moved slower than I did and when I communicated that I was willing to slow my roll, I didn’t do it well enough.
In hindsight, we weren’t synonymous on multiple other facets of the relationship. Our attraction to one another proved to be fatal. We were just two people who had an incredibly deep connection but weren’t in the right place in life to foster it constructively. We got so consumed with the innate bond we had and what it could be that we didn’t focus enough on actually developing anything substantial.
Coming to terms with this made me realize that it never would have worked. We weren’t on the same page from the jump, and the emotions stemming from that caused mass miscommunication.
But, since we had such a deep connection, I attempted to remain friends with him. This was my first and most devastating mistake. This was more lethal than any time we slept or spent time together post-breakup.
I want to say that I should have known better because I’ve never believed you could be just friends with someone you love — especially when the breakup wasn’t mutual. You cannot have a platonic relationship with someone for whom you hold romantic feelings. It doesn’t work that way most of the time because, eventually, the inevitable happens and someone starts seeing/sleeping with other people.
And guess who made the first step forward: him.
I’m not upset about him moving onward. I could have learned a thing or two from him in that arena. I’m upset because I stood there and subjected myself to such cruelty. I stood there and watched him date other women. I stood there, listened and believed him when he said he didn’t have time to build a relationship (with me).
There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to be with someone. I’ve had that conversation with other people myself. There is something detrimental, however, with hanging around someone who does not aspire to the same things as you. The reality of the situation was that he didn’t want to build anything with me. He felt as though his time would be better allocated in other arenas of his life. And I thought I could be understanding and respectful of that but I wasn’t able to do so.
Remaining in this conundrum, existing in this awkward space led to self-esteem issues taking root. I felt undesirable, unwanted, rejected and ugly. Women who are tall, dark-skinned, natural-haired and big breasted comprise his type and, minus the hair, I’m the exact opposite of every single one of those things. This coupled with his unwillingness to provide me with a logical reasoning as to why he didn’t want me put me in a position where, for the first time in my life, I felt wholly inadequate because of how I looked.
I felt like I wasn’t … enough. I had allowed one person’s rejection of me to completely crush the pillars of confidence I spent years building. I was giving myself to the wrong person. I allowed someone else to deeply affect me and shake my foundation in ways no one should.
And I take full responsibility for my position in this. Nothing was inflicted upon me. I’m not going to sit here and only say that he hurt me. I’m not going to place 100% of blame on him. I have agency. I wasn’t enslaved by him or chained to his leg. I could have walked away a long time ago. I should have walked away. But I stood there, beat a dead horse and expected it to do something other than lay there. So I can’t be upset about how I feel after the fact in regards to my role in how I currently feel.
But shoulda, coulda, woulda isn’t going to get me anywhere now.
What I can do, though, is acknowledge my position and learn from this situation. I can take something constructive from this predicament. Soon, after more reflection, I’m going to sit down and write up a list of the positive things that came out of what grew into a negative situation. I did the same thing when my Muss died. I always do this because optimism is a key facet of how I survive.
So back to that email. God validated that I made the right move and until I let go (or starting trying to let go) of my ex, She was keeping my blessings. Because when you’re holding on to an old toy, God can’t give you a new one. When you’re so focused on someone else, how can God possibly give you something to help you blossom? You wouldn’t use it properly.
I’m happy. This isn’t going to be easy and I’m not always going to be hopeful, but I can be faithful and focus on rebuilding Julia. I can do that.